We were so poor we didn’t have tinsel for our tree. We just waited for Grandpa to sneeze. Rodney Dangerfield

Oh God, instead of a White Christmas, it may Rain Dear. – ND

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” ~ Joan Rivers

“Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren’t for Christmas, We’d all be Jewish.” ~ Benny Hill

A Jewish Dilemma: Free Ham.

“Money’s scarce, Times are hard, Here’s your f***ing Xmas card” – Phyllis Diller

Honey, there’s no football on Christmas this year. Don’t worry Rudolph, I just put up the Tee Bow on top of the tree. – ND

“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” George Carlin

A Peter Griffin Christmas

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” ~ W.C. Fields

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit relatives once a year.” – Victor Borge

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious or constitutional reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capitol. – Jay Leno

Hookers celebrating Christmas: “Ho, Ho, Ho”, “Santa Clause is coming in town” – ND

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did; Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child. – Woody Allen

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting. – Mel Brooks

And from God himself, George Burns: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.