Beginnings of Mankind:
One day, eight-year-old Melissa says to her mother, “Mummy, I’ve been thinking about us humans and I’m a bit puzzled. How did we humans first appear on Earth?” “That’s a very good question, darling,” her mother replies. “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then their children had children, and as a result, mankind began.” Later that day, Melissa asks her father the same question. “Daddy, how did we humans first appear on earth?” “That’s an intelligent question, Melissa,” he replies. “Millions of years ago there were monkeys from which, gradually, the human race evolved.” Melissa is confused by this answer and goes back to her mother. “Mummy,” she asks, “how come that you told me the human race was created by God, yet daddy said they developed from monkeys?” “Well darling, replies her mother, smiling, “the answer is simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Adam and Eve’s Choice:
After God completed the world, he found he still had two things remaining to give out. He quickly decided to give one to Adam and one to Eve and he’d let each choose which one they wanted. When he told them what he aimed to do, they asked what his give-aways were.
So God explained, “One of the items is a thingy that allows its owner to pee while standing up. It’s very useful. The other thing I have is ………” But Adam was no longer listening. As soon as he heard about the ‘stand-up-peeing’ device, he started jumping up and down like an excited little boy. “I’d love one of those,” he said. “To be able to do that would be just brilliant. Please God, let me have it.” God turned to Eve and said, “Nu? So what do you think?” Eve just smiled and replied, “As Adam desperately wants it, let him have it.” Adam was thrilled to receive it and immediately used it on the flowers. He then ran off to write his name in the sand. God watched Adam for a few minutes, then turned to Eve and said, “Well, here’s the other thing, it’s all yours.” “What’s it called?” said Eve. “A brain,” replied God.

In The Beginning:
In the Beginning, God created heaven and earth and then he created man.
God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
Adam said, “Gladly, what do you want me to do?”
God said, “Go down into that valley.” And Adam said, “What’s a valley?”
And God explained it to him. Then God said, “Then go over the hill.”
And Adam said, “What is a hill?” And God explained that to him.
Then he told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”
And Adam said, “What’s a cave?” And God explained that to him, then said, “In the cave you will find a woman.” And Adam said, “What’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him too, and said, “I want you to reproduce.”
And Adam said, “How do I do that?” So God explained it to him.
Off went Adam, down into the valley, over the hill, and into the cave and there he found the woman. In about ten minutes, Adam was out of the cave, over the hill, through the valley and back with God. God patiently asked, “Yes … how can I help you, Adam?”
And Adam said, “What’s a headache?”

Who Made You?:
Five year old Emma was sitting on her grandfather David’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David’s wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally Emma spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, darling,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.” “Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, sweetheart,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, Emma observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

And God Created Israel:
On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life.”
God continued, “I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth.”
“But Lord, asked the Angels, don’t you think you are being too generous to these Israeli’s?”
“Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”

How Man Was Created – Alternative Version:
After 4 weeks in the Garden of Eden, God comes to visit Eve. “So Eve, how’s everything going?” inquires God. “It’s all so beautiful,” she replies, “the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I have one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me, the middle one pushes the other two out and I’m constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain. Surely God, since many other parts of my body come in pairs, such as my arms and legs, my ears and my eyes, I feel that having only two breasts will make me more symmetrically balanced.” “That’s a fair point,” replies God, “but it was my first shot at this, don’t forget. I gave the animals 6 breasts so I figured that you needed only half of those. But I see that you’re right so I’ll fix it up right away.” And God reaches down, removes Eve’s middle breast and tosses it into the bushes. Three weeks pass and God once again visits Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?” “Just fantastic,” she replies, “but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.” God thinks for a moment and says, “You know, Eve, you’re right once again. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create MAN from a part of you. Now let’s see, where did I put that useless boob?”

All the above jokes from: The God related jokes of awordinyoureye.com

Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner: The 2000 Year Old Man:

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God” Bill Cosby

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.” Woody Allen

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! Golda Meir

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker. Groucho Marx

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” Milton Berle

“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.” Phyllis Diller

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair” George Burns

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope

“I’m for the Wall Street Occupiers, but will they accept me when they find out I sell packaged mortgage default instruments to children?” Steve Martin

“If you’re quiet, you’re not living. You’ve got to be noisy and colorful and lively.” Mel Brooks And, remember, there’s never been a mass murder where someone says “He was a noisy guy”. Look out for the Quiet Guys.

“I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding”. Steven Wright

“When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.” Henny Youngman

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?.” Woody Allen

There’s only one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him. If he says ‘yes,’ you know he is a crook. Groucho Marx

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals!” George Carlin

“If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?” Steven Wright